Preparation

We are preparing for peace, blog friends.

We will be for the next few weeks. Amber has been accepted into the Peace Corps and will be leaving at the beginning of March to go to another country and work for two years.

I will be blogging about this a little at a time because the countdown has begun and I have to get in shape for the DOD – Day of Departure.

Currently, I am quite emotional about the whole thing. While I’m very proud of her achievement with this (I seriously had no idea how difficult it was to get into this program. Many steps to complete, many things to take care of, many people wanting to join). I am equally selfishly fussy as I will not be around her Amber-ness for the first time in … ever.

I’ve gone a few weeks without seeing my kid, but never a whole month. Never many whole months in a row.

For 23 years, she’s been within reach. I am not wanting that to stop. I don’t ever NOT want to be around either of my daughters. As I’ve mention ad nauseum on this blog, they are beautiful, witty, weird and smart. What’s not to love? I birthed fembots and am oh so proud.

So I am preparing. Getting in shape. I write a little here, pray a little there, journal a few fragile feelings, cry a few tears and yell at the cat. Because I can.

I am believing these small daily steps are going to rid me of the mushy pile of weepy mom blob that I am and help me get to the mom she needs me to be on the Day of Departure. The strong, calm, loving and encouraging mom. The one who will have gum for the plane ride. The one who will know obscure, but witty facts about the country she’s going too. The one who will have anecdotes and quips verbally handy just in case she’s nervous. The one who will be excited for her bright future and for the incredible opportunity she’s getting. The one who will be amazed at the path her kid has taken. The one who will be so together, she can just say goodbye with an Obama fist bump. Hugs are optional.

The mom who can take it.

That mom. That’s the goal.

So for the next few weeks, I will keep you up to date on how this is all going, blog friends. Starting with a visit we had last Friday. We went to see Amber at her awesome job, which she will soon be leaving. Here she is at her fancy desk.

Here she is with her sweet BF Paul. Who I also love and adore. Who is also leaving soon to go to college.

Here she is showing us something she made then laminated then stuck in the elevator.
It’s handy information for people coming to and fro.

No more wasting time riding in an elevator all uneducated. No. Amber says you can take that 30 seconds to learn something, bitches. There may even be a pop quiz, so read faster.

Oh Peace Corps. You don’t even know how lucky you are.

Professional Stuffed Animal Organizer

For the first time in 20 years, I don’t have a child in school.

Crystal is done with high school – finished up her classes more than a week ago. Amber is college educated and will soon embark on a journey that renders me both proud and apprehensive as she will be in another country for two years. But more on that later … when I’ve come to terms with it completely. And when I’ve tried valium for the first time ever.

Crystal is now facing the dreaded “now what?” question. What is she going to do? What does she want to do? Who does she want to be? Where is she going? Why is she doing that? Why isn’t she doing that?

It’s enough to drive a kid to drink. Or worse, to dinner with her mother …

We had a mother-daughter date a few nights ago that was wonderful because we had awesome food and delicious desserts like these…

As soon as the waitress set those plates down, daughter and I whipped out our cameras and started taking shots – she for her Internet savvy friends to whom she sends and receives pictures and texts all day long and me for my blog because I love you all so much.

This stuff was good. That cookie over on Crystal’s plate? WAS FILLED WITH MELTED CHOCOLATE. I took a bite and was so overcome that I slid under the table. Then got on my knees and thanked the Lord Jesus for the coco bean. This is why my daughters do not like to eat in public with me.

The night was also amazing because my kid was very animated and happy and full of herself during the whole dinner. This is when I love being around my children the most – when they’re caught up in the general happiness of their lives – not in an obnoxious “I’m a rock star” kind of way, but in a “I’m just happy there’s dessert” kind of way. When my daughters are in this place, it’s an amazing thing to behold and I find myself having to keep from saying “I love this part” outloud.

Since the kid has been out of school, I’ve had a lot more time with her. Now *I* get all the fun energy she used to expend at school. Now *I* get to hear what’s on her mind and how her day went. Now *I* get to help her write fake notes to get out of first period so she can go to Burger King where they have the awesome croissan’wich.

And she is figuring it out. Each school-less day offers a new adventure (she had to pen “Remember to recycle” with a Sharpie on our trash can because we’ve recently begun recycling and I keep forgetting to put the plastic in the bin) a new something-something to investigate (in the last 24 hours she has researched the Miss Teen pageant, home based businesses and cleaning condos) and new discoveries (fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, fabulous new eye shadow and the best Nicholas Sparks novel ever).

I have complete faith in my kid that she’s going to do exactly what she is destined to do. And I keep encouraging her that, eventually, she’ll know what that is. She just has to keep learning as she goes.

At the end of our dinner, we were talking about all the things she loves and what, of those, might be a career possibility.

“I think I’d really like to be a Professional Stuffed Animal Organizer,” she said.

“I think you’d be great,” I replied. “And you’d probably get your own realty show.”

The view from sick bay …

When you take a sick day, it is comforting to have a loved one handy …

Last Wednesday I had some pains similar to that of a kidney stone (though I’m not totally sure that’s what it was) and ended up in bed for a day under a heating pad and heating blanket. Crush was very happy about this and kept me company by insisting I pet him and not get on the computer.

The cats really do not like the laptop. I don’t think they see the point in it. As soon as I get on it, they crawl in my lap or paw at the power cord or sigh, roll their eyes and say “What is it with that thing? Does it purr? Can it rub your legs while you’re doing the dishes? Does it leave you large presents in the cat box? No? Then why must you spend so much time with it?”

Codah simply stares it down. When I work in the living room, she perches right beside me on the floor and stares at me with her big green eyeballs. She wants very much to crawl in my lap so I will rub her furry cheeks, but my lap does not have enough room for the top and the cat. So she stares.

And waits.

Because she knows eventually I will acquiesce.

I am convinced cats have healing properties.

And maybe a condo in Maui.

I believe there’s still much to believe in.

Oh February masthead, thou are so hearty.

I thought I’d share a little of the communication between my brother and I as the designs for these take shape because I want you, super friends, to see the vast difference in our correspondence styles. Mine being long and boring detailed. His being short and severe economic.

Here is what I sent Toby as a general idea the masthead:

“For Feb, I was thinking something with hearts (duh) and it will say”
It’s a Toler Thing February 2010
Lost in love and I don’t know much.
Now, I know that it will hurt the very essence of your soul to design a masthead with hearts AND with a line from a song by Air Supply, BUT, that’s why I’m here, little brother, to help you grow as an artist. To help you through painful vomit-inducing blog titles and girly fried images. Just think, if you can do this month’s mast head? Designing for Barbie has GOT to be right around the corner! YES!”

See? See how I was sensitive to his artistic soul? This is my sibling who thinks that country music is the devil’s work, that rock and roll is heaven sent, that anything labeled “Christian rock” is an oxymoron, and that songs by Air Supply will, one day, be found to contain subliminal messages encouraging terrorism. And those messages are activated by certain mass produced dolls named Barbie.

Yet I knew he would be professional enough to get past all that and do something amazing. Which he did.

And here is his response:

“I’ve made the adjustments that you specified.”

See? See how he is sensitive to my artistic soul? As I am his sibling who believes country music and Christian rock are destined to bring world peace, that songs by Air Supply *may* have been involved in the conception of my children, and that Barbie’s line of “Ladies from the 80s” dolls featuring Joan Jett, Cyndi Lauper and Debbie Harry is just further proof that God exists.

I mean, if heaven doesn’t include a Barbie Dream House, then can you really call it “heaven”?

I also want to remind you that February is the month for love. Now is the time to forgive, soften the hardened heart and open up and embrace love and all its gentle movements in your life. Send it out. Receive it. Remember that love craves attention. The more you give it, the longer it hangs around.

And if I’m going to be lost anywhere, I so want it to be there.

Are you there God? It’s me, birthday.

I’m 43 today so it was a good day to have a chat with iGod, which I found out about thanks to a tip from my friend David, who mentioned this site.

He seems well spoken and has excellent grammer. He didn’t even smite me when I left off punctuation at certain points.

I am including the gist of two chats I had with him as it seems iGod does best when the questions are simple and the answers are simpler. And who can blame him? Except everyone. As blaming God is what we humans love to do.

And fair warning, if you decide to chat with iGod, I think there’s a question limit. After a few, he just quits responding.

Or maybe he gets sick of people asking him for lottery numbers.

Me: Hello God
God: Hello child. What is your name?
Me: Timmi
God: Nice to meet you, Timmi.
Me: Thanks
God: Don’t mention it.
Me: what are you doing?
God: I am chatting with people on the net.
Me: How’s that going?
God: Fine as far as I know.
Me: do you do this often?
God: Yeah I do a lot of this often.
Me: Anything exciting coming up that we need to know about?
God: I can’t think of anything. You think of something.
Me: Well, we’d rather not have a repeat of Haiti anytime soon.
God: How about that. By “we” do you mean you and me?
Me: We humans
God: By “we” do you mean you and me?
Me: no
God: By “we” you meant yourself and another person.
Me: yes
God: Pardon me?
Me: Yes sir, God sir?
God: I understand. Tell me a story.
Me: I am 43 and very blessed. So thanks for that.
God: It’s good to meet someone who is 43 and very blessed. Is there anything I can say to help you?
Me: you can tell me I am wonderful
God: You am wonderful.
Me: Great, love your sense of humor
God: Thanks for your support. Sometimes I think love is just a biological urge. Other times it seems like a spiritual quality. Love, unlike energy or matter, seems limitless.
Me: Well, you’re the source of love, so you should know
God: Interesting. Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
Me: No, you’re the Source big Guy

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time …

Rocket now flies with the angels. Which is way better than sleeping with the fishes, but still sucks because it means our little bunny bun-buns is no more.

We’re not sure what happened. We think he (which turned out to be a she) tried to escape which was not wise and caused some injuries. I’m sparing you the details because I don’t want to relive them again. Let’s just say we thought she was going to make it and suddenly she didn’t.

I am unbelievably grateful for that furry little creature and the joy it brought to our lives. Many days we spent with the fluffy one and many a little kid she did love and patiently let rub her little nose.

And the January masthead takes on even more meaning as Rocket is now forever memorialized in it, thanks to the talents of my brother.

So here’s a few images I took in the fall. When we would work out in the yard, we’d put Rocket in her portable cage and put her in the front yard with us so she’d get a change of scenery and a chance to eat some green grass.

Know that this precious furry one is now cageless and up yonder, eating fields of clover, many carrots, hopping and flopping and watching out for us all.

Perspective

It was off to the beach today (click pic for bigger view).

After the recent you can’t see nothing for free in Key Largo incident, I have been wholly aware of how ridiculously blessed I am to live near views like this …

that are free and open and available to all at Emerald Isle …

So I am going to commit to trying very hard to not take views like these for granted any more. Instead, I shall willingly seek them out. Drink in their exquisiteness with my eyeballs. Inhale the aromatic odor, that only the ocean can produce, with my nostrils. And tread lightly on the earth covered in sand and these lovelies …

And I will drag my mother with me as I do this as she is one who, in the sixtieth-some years of her life – still gets very excited over sea shells and ocean waves and oh my Lord, do not even get the woman started on the poetry woven into the delicate makings of a bird feather!

The above is one my mom plucked from the ground as we were walking. The one below is one I found a little further along the way and left untouched as it seemed to be begging for an inkwell, some parchment and someone to call it “Quill.”

Speaking of feathers, there were many a busy sandpiper scurrying around …

And this dude who I think was very upset that someone drove on his beach …

This is my mom’s favorite shell out of all the ones she found. She can regale you for hours about how these little lines and grooves must have been formed by small sea creatures who must be very active and intelligent as this looks like roadway system or some lunar surface or the face of Tommy Lee Jones …

I snapped this one for Amber as she is my swirly girl and she knows what that means …

This shows how far the tide came up that morning, as my mother, who is wise to the ways of the sea, explained to me …

And here we are …

From this photo we could not decide how we looked to the outside world … I appear to have wandered far away from a ski lodge or a burglary. My mum looks a bit like a lost hobbit or a large marshmallow. Sadly, I think we most resemble some sort of character from Southpark.

And speaking of things I think aren’t funny, there was this greeting us when we left …

It says “God loves …

“you so …

… much.”

Which is true.

But maybe God would rather you not vandalize the boardwalk to let others know that.

Or perhaps the light was from Joel Osteen’s teeth

This will be a quick pic potpourri hybrid mutant post of sorts, bloggettes.

We shall begin with a few remnants of the Florida trip. (Click pics for a larger view.)

Here is a pic of The Other Jacksonville – with its name all sprawled out on its bridges like its proud of itself.

It is hard for us Jacksonville NC’ins to feel fondly for this Jacksonville Fla’un as we are always being mistaken for it – usually a disheartened mistake. People call the newsroom all the time thinking we are they or they are we. Or we get story ideas (GREAT story ideas like dog who ate 1,500 nails and lived to tell about it) for something going on there but they think it’s here. After several years of screaming “IT’S N.C. JACKSONVILLE NORTH CAROLINA. NOT FLORIDA. No, NOT Florida. NORTH CAROLINA” into the phone at many senior citizens who cannot understand why we won’t give them directions to the River Garden Hebrew Home, you tend to get a chip on your shoulder about your Jacksonville versus their Jacksonville. And you start to not like their Jacksonville. No matter how pretty it is.

And then there this 2-year-old preciousness.

We stopped to visit Justin and Nicole at their lovely new home – which is all finished and decorated and looks wonderful – on our way back from Florida. It was a quick visit, but a perfect one. Nicole made popcorn – and she didn’t even need the microwave. She made it on top of the stove with oil and a big pan like in the olden days. And blog friends? It was like tasting heaven. And she served it with wine. So it was like heaven with a buzz.

Andi and I were able to do some much needed coloring. We created orange Disney princesses with purple hair and green arms. Coloring is the ultimate stress reliever. Andi was like “Man, I feel so relaxed now that Cinderella has a pink nose” and I was like “Yeah, you should try making Ariel’s teeth red. It really levels out the heart rate.”
I heart grandma time.

I did not get many pictures of most precious as the visit was short and she was very busy, as noted here where the child is awaiting the fate of Boots (Dora’s sidekick) before she heads off to work in her pink tutu with spare pull up.

When we got home, this was greeting us.

Daughter No. 2, famed blog stealer, made us a gigantic cupcake as a welcome home because she is sweet and bakey.

Here’s a view from inside the Hubert abode.

Those are my feet, with mismatched socks, in front of Crush cat laying of floor. Husband was to my right, relaxing on couch and watching Joel Osteen and his large shiny teeth.

And finally, I give you this.

I spent Saturday night at our second home near little Washington with my husband. On the drive home Sunday, the road was lit up like this. I had my Jesus music up LOUD and I kept getting personal nudges from God the whole way home. Just little bits and pieces – certain words or images or scenes that spoke so directly to me that it freaked me out a little bit. And all along, the road was like this. Like God was playing with the light during the nearly two-hour trip back to Hubert. Every corner offered a different illuminating view.

I had recently listened to an interview with famed vampire writer Ann Rice, who is now a devout Christian, talk about surrendering to the love of God. That is what I did on the trip home in the sunlight. I surrendered to the greater love.

It was kind of like when Michael Scott entered The Office and yelled “I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!” before he realized he couldn’t just declare bankruptcy. He had to file forms and stuff. I SURRENDERED TO THE GREATER LOVE and then realized I should also probably read my Bible more and not act like such a jerk.

And maybe not snap pics while driving down the road.

Florida – BIG FINISH

I’m going to skip the whole post about our night in St. Cloud before we went to The Holy Land and am putting pics on facebook where you can see us at a lovely park, the coolest tree ever and the sun eating my husband’s head.

Here is this:

A very lovely shot from the park as the sun was going into its set.

I am also going to share this (please listen for the angel sound of “AHHHHH!” as you gaze upon it):

FINALLY an orange tree. This was in someone’s front yard in the residential area across from the park. There were sidewalks so we were able to walk right up to it without trespassing and snap a few pictures. Orange trees. Just growing in front yards. Oh Florida. You’re almost as amazing as North Carolina.

There will be more pics of St. Cloud soon on my Facebook.

CLICK HERE TO SEE TIMMI’S PICS BECAUSE SHE IS TOO LAZY TO UPLOAD THEM TO BOTH PLACES.

For the final wrap up of The Holy Land, let me say my favorite part was the Scriptorium. This was a walk through interactive history lesson about the evolution of the Bible that was really well done. I didn’t realize how many nations and countries have been involved in bringing it to fruition and I now want to research more on its history. The Scriptorium also housed a collection of rare pieces of the Bible and other artifacts that were fascinating. I have no pics because they wouldn’t let us take any.

I am sharing a few pictures of a live show at The Holy Land Experience called “Worthy is the Lamb.” It was all done outside and the actors used several different sets which were all around you. So, at certain points, you found yourself actually in the middle of scenes surrounded by disciples or standing next to the prince of darkness.

I found the play a bit graphic, as they do show the crucifixion. I would not recommend bringing young children to this. My mother took my brother and I to see Jesus Christ Superstar when I was about 6 years old. The movie really effed me up, so, please do not bring your young children to a live beating of Our Lord and Savior. It’s just not a good idea.

As we get into pics of the crucifixion (I’m showing three) I can totally see where this entire play would look completely creepy and weird for those who don’t believe in Jesus. Probably close to how I feel when I see images of other religions that I don’t fully understand, but do respect, like the Blessed Virgin Mary being carried through the streets (I believe Mary existed, I just don’t believe she gets top billing). I understand the need for symbolism and a tangible image to help reaffirm faith.

So, here’s Jesus who walked right past us portraying the night before the crucifixion.

Here he is after Judas betrayed him and he was captured by the Centurions. That’s the prince of darkness in front of him. You can tell by his evil, Darth Vader cape.

I’m skipping over the beating pictures.

Here’s the crucifixion, which I have to say, was incredibly well done which sounds horrible, because I’m basically saying they did a great job hanging Jesus from the cross, but, well, they did.

At this moment, all of us in the crowd (a couple thousand were there) were silent, crying, just feeling the gravity of the moment.

This part I really appreciated because it explained why in so many pictures of Jesus you see this swath of cloth draped on the cross. This is what they used to get his body down.

I’m also skipping over the stone being rolled away and Mary and the disciples freaking out as I was far away and the pics did not turn out well.

And before you look at these last two pics, please know, I was emotionally spent at this point. After several hours of full on God and prayer and scripture and communion with Jesus and getting his picture and watching his crucifixion, I was gone, as were most in the crowd (which was VERY diverse – many nationalities, many religions, many many people there. It was great)

But the resurrection was divine. Literally.

Jesus shows up at the top of the mount and he starts giving you this pep talk about how he loves you and that’s why he died for you and you don’t have to carry shame and guilt any more. You are free from sin. You’re his child and he wants you to live a life full of love and peace and joy.

And then he holds up the keys to the chains of bondage – as you are now free from it.

As he’s talking, your spirit is lifted. Most of us in the crowd were clapping and smiling. Finally, he prays and at the end of the prayer, he opens his arms to the heavens and music blasts through the air — this soulful gospel rendition of “Hallelujah” and by that point, you are screaming, clapping and happy as all get out that he’s alive and he loves you.

So this final pic is what it’s all about for me. I strive everyday to have a walk with God that is full of the joy represented here and that helps me express the love that I feel every day from God. I never want to live one day without him.

And I think I really need to find a cool white robe like this.

However, he has forgiven me for the time I called him “J to the C”

At The Holy Land Experience, every where you look, there’s a Jesus.

He greets you at the opening gates here, while he warns of the fact that TBN will video tape you at will and use your image for promotion whether you like it or not. I guess they figured you’ll take it better coming from The Lord:

He’s tucked in the prayer gardens:

He is calming the raging seas:

He is in the foliage:

He is cardboard cut out ready for a Kodak moment:

In this place, that my daughter in law calls “Jesus World” the Messiah is everywhere. I enjoyed this immensely, blog friends.

Willie and I got there at 10 a.m. when the gates opened (they close at 6 p.m. Admission is $35 per person) and went first to a show called The Four Women of Jesus. The Holy Land Experience is very big on shows. Much drama and theatrics – all of which was well done. I found the admission reasonable as I would have paid $35 just to see a really good show, much less a park full of lurking Jesuses.

The Jesus in The Four Women of Jesus was the best Jesus ever. He looked much like the stereotypical Messiah, thin face, long brown hair. His voice was calming and beckoning and spiritual. Most importantly, we found out that Jesus is a Tar Heel fan as he was wearing white robes with a Carolina Blue shoulder sash. If my husband was not already a believer, he would have been at that point.

The show was wonderful. We were part of a crowd of about 300 watching and about midway through, most of us were crying. I have to say, sitting in a crowd of blubbering believers was pretty cool. It was kind of like sitting in a crowd of slightly tipsy sinners – but without the karaoke.

After the show, we walked around looking at some of the various biblical stuff as we decided what to do next. Then suddenly, there was Jesus – the actor who was in the show. He was heading in the back door of some type of rock structure, still in his Jesus garb and carrying a duffle bag and a blanket. I immediately asked if I could get a picture. He kindly responded that he had to get to another show, but we’d try and get a picture together later. I was, of course, OK with this. I mean, it’s Jesus. You’re kind of on his schedule.

So we walked around and looked at many things.

Angles.

Moses. Or Charlton Heston. You decide.

Soldiers. With large swords.

Calling the place an experience is the perfect word. It is not an amusement park. There are no thrill rides, no water features (there’s a cool fountain in the center and little babbling brooks running throughout) no beer gardens or roller coasters.

There were many people dressed like this:

Who helped you find your way around the park. They all greeted you with love and closed with “have a blessed day” or “Shalom.”

There are scriptures hanging everywhere, faith-based music flowing throughout the park and there are “prayer gardens” where you can wander among the flowers and brooks and angels statues and The 10 Commandments and the Jesuses and pray. I loved these places and have already placed my order with my husband for one at our house.

At some point, we wandered into this rock. We walked through its dimly lit hall and found ourselves inside of a cave that was serene and ornamentally decorated. A lady, dressed in the biblical garb, greeted us. She had a basket full of little pieces of bread, and another basket with these individual tiny wooden goblets filled with grape juice.

We were about to have communion. Just like at The Last Supper.

She told us to sit at a long wooden table with wooden seats and wait. Which we did. Pretty soon a guy came out, also dressed in the garb, and begin talking to us about what communion is and why it is so significant. Then we prayed and when we opened our eyes, there was Jesus – the one from the show.

Now, blog friends, I have been through several intense spiritual moments in my life, but nothing compared to taking communion with Jesus. Having him lead you through the steps as he spoke the words from the scripture and then saying a gentle prayer for you was surreal. I was quite stirred up inside from the symbolism and also filled with questions. I so wanted to interview Jesus. How do you play Jesus all day long? How do you deal with the public? Do some people think you’re really him? Do you really believe or are you just an actor? Do you ever pretend to be Jesus when you’re not at work? Does it freak people out? Does it help you get out of speeding tickets?

After the communion, they guide you back out into the sunlight of Orlando. We stood there for a moment catching our bearings and when we turned around, there was Jesus. I asked if I could get a picture. He said “Of course. That’s why I am here.” And then I said “You are the best Jesus ever.” And he laughed and I all I could think was, I made Jesus laugh. That’s so cool.

So we took a picture.

I was able to ask him a few questions, but sadly, never got his name. He’s been playing Jesus for most of his life. He is from Orlando, then moved away for awhile, then moved back. As far as staying in character, he said he is constantly in prayer about it and tries to really ask God to do what he wants to do for those who visit The Holy Land. This was the most wonderful answer.

I didn’t get to ask about speeding tickets or freaking people out as Jesus is very busy and had multitudes bless.

We are safely back home in Hubert where the real Jesus lives in my heart and does not do interviews. He used too, but I really pressed him on the “water into wine” thing once. I don’t think he’s over it.